A Love Letter to Myself

[Featured image: a small tree, illuminated by the sun from behind, is in the middle of surrounding mountainous terrain. Great rocks lay in the foreground, from which the tree grows.]

It is freeing to let go, to surrender.

It is freeing to breathe through resistance.

It is freeing to accept fear as a part of me. 

It is freeing to embrace the unknown with childlike abandon.

I have spent my life doubting nearly every moment—doubting my experience, my validity, my actions, the future, how people perceive me, even how I perceive myself. I’ve never been good enough in my own eyes; I’ve always compared my self-worth away.  

And all this, born of fear—fear that I won’t live life “correctly.” That I won’t succeed, won’t be stable and independent in fulfilling ways. And as I fear, I keep myself from succeeding. The space in my heart that would allow fulfillment and freedom is filled with so much fear, I can barely breathe—granite heart weighing down my lungs until there’s nothing left in me. 

The world is too beautiful to be wasted on fear, though. Instead, I choose to see fear through the eyes of a lover, warm and calm and accepting. I hold Fear in my arms, and tell them it’s going to be okay. Because we have always been okay. We have survived every bad day. 

We have celebrated every wonderful day too. Fear has always been there, embracing the sweetness of the high, but still waiting for the other shoe to drop. And sometimes that shoe does drop, and we have to pick up the pieces and start again. But we always start again. 

I’m tired of giving up my finite time on this planet to worry. I’m tired of fearing Fear. I’m ready to be a reckless child again, getting lost in the woods and climbing trees as high as I possibly can, existing in time outside of fear. I’m ready to trust again. I’m ready to breathe through resistance with determination, but also with a listening heart that’s no longer made of granite. I’m ready to be soft, and full of joy, and consciously strong. I am ready to step into the unknown as if greeting an old friend. Because truly, I have already been here before, I’ve just forgotten. 

I am free again.

“The more you let go, the higher you rise.”

– Yasmin Mogahed

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