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[The featured image is of the nonbinary pride flag in colors yellow, white, purple, and black from top to bottom.]

My gender journey has taken me lots of places over the last 4 years. From being decidedly nonbinary with they/them pronouns, to experimenting with feelings past just “transmasc nonbinary” and seeing if I felt more like a boy (with they/he pronouns), to being back to nonbinary, but in a way that’s completely off the spectrum (with they/it pronouns), I’ve grown through quite the adventure. That’s the beautiful thing about gender: it doesn’t have to stay fixed. We are dynamic beings, and gender is allowed to reflect that. Gender is a social construct, after all. That being said, I bet you’re wondering why I use the pronoun “it” now.

I don’t get it. Isn’t that dehumanizing?

Well, no. And yes. It depends on who’s using it and what their intention is. I’ve had many people ask me why I use “it” as a pronoun, so I figured it’d be easiest to write something out for future askers. Ready? Let’s dive in!

“It” is Reclamation

The pronoun “it” has absolutely been used in the past, and still is used now, to dehumanize trans individuals. Just as women have reclaimed “slut”, “whore”, and “bitch”—or Black people have reclaimed the “n-word”, or gay/queer people have reclaimed “faggot”—I reclaim “it” to take back the power from transphobic people, and for the purposes described in the following paragraphs.

“It” is Spiritual

When I am not forced to perceive myself through constructed lenses (i.e., gender), I am allowed to connect to the Universe on a more mindful, spiritual level. When I’m not forced to perceive my humanity, I am allowed to connect to how I am a creature on this earth—a creature that is interconnected to every living entity, to every organic substance, to the stars and all that’s beyond them. I’ve frequently joked in the past (and will continue to do so) about how I’m human, but barely. I think a lot of humans forget how we are quite literally animals on this planet. In my opinion, what it is to be “human” is also a social construction. Colonialism and capitalism may be products of our creativity and innovation, but I refuse to allow those structures to remove the animal from within me. We, as humans, are not “above” other creatures. “It” allows me to feel interconnected and at home in my body.

“It” is Decolonization

Strict enforcement of binary gender (man/woman) is a product of Western modernity and colonization. Nonbinary identities have always existed, just as any LGBTQIA+ identity has always been a part of the human experience (whether the language was present for it or not). When I embrace “it” as a pronoun, I am disengaging from the binary completely and bringing pre-colonial times to the present. There are so many cultures that have embraced third (and more) genders for generations, and it’s beyond time for the colonized world to recognize the validity of these genders.

Conclusion

The way I identify my gender is understanding what it is NOT, in comparison to the spectrum we’ve finally let take hold in the Western world that goes past the binary. I only use “nonbinary” to communicate how I am different from the traditional conceptions of what gender is (i.e., binary). I do not feel like the term “nonbinary” actually describes my gender. The closest term I’ve found to suit me when I do experience gender is “maverique“, because that term describes gender as its own experience, independent of “male, female, neutral, or anything derived from any of them”. “Maverique” is the closest shorthand I have for saying “my gender is human, and barely at that.” Most people, however, don’t know this term, so for ease, I use “nonbinary”.

The other terms that can be used to describe nonbinary genders—genderfluid, gendervoid, agender, etc.—don’t suit me perfectly either because they still try to encapsulate what gender IS. I am not “genderfluid”, I AM fluid. I am not lacking, or full, or anything in between, I simply EXIST. The pronoun “they” suits me enough because I contain multitudes, but “it” suits me even better because “it” has no stake in the gender game to begin with, and allows me to embrace how I am a creature on this earth, not just a human. This is also why neopronouns appeal to me, and I may one day start using them, but I’ve yet to have the energy to assert myself this way (I reason with myself that at least “it” is already a used pronoun, but times are changing). After all of this, “autigender” is the best descriptive I have for communicating how I approach gender, but not many people are as familiar with that word as “nonbinary”, just like “maverique”. If you are one of those people, I encourage you to read this article I wrote on my autigender experience, here.

If you are thrown off by the so many words that are starting to exist to describe the unique experience of gender, then you’re catching onto the fact that there are at least* as many genders as there are people. . .

Think about it. Even in the cisgender world, no woman is the same as another woman. No man is the same as another man. People constantly get up in arms about “what is a man” and “what is a woman”, but those definitions are rarely agreed on, and so many people fall outside of the standard. And the ones who do fit? They often harm themselves and others to adhere to those standards instead of just being who they want to be. Being a woman (or man) doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s experience of being a woman (or man), and it doesn’t make you any less of a woman (or man). SO why can’t we apply that logic to just being human? Being a human doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s experience of being a human, and that doesn’t make them any less of a human. This concept speaks to any identity, not just gender. Now language is just catching up to categorizing other genders so that people feel better about understanding themselves and communicating/identifying with others.

TL;DR: I don’t really f*ck with gender. I just express myself in ways that make sense and feel good, and people project their own meaning of who/what I am onto me based on their lived experience with gender. Even if you don’t identify the way I do, I’m sure you’ve had experience with being misperceived or misrepresented in other ways. . .doesn’t feel good. So this is why I write. This is why I share my experience and ask people to respect me (and the rest of the trans community). We only have “trans identity” because our cisnormative world doesn’t allow other kinds of existence without being labeled as different, or the “other”. The pronoun “it” allows me to embrace my otherness in a way the suits me best. The more we can recognize and respect each other’s different lived experience, the less and less we will have the compulsory need as a society to distinguish “otherness”, and using “they” or “it” for pronouns won’t be so odd to folks.

Additionally, how we use the social construction of gender to identify ourselves is a very personal process and doesn’t have to make sense to others. The important thing is that we respect each other regardless. We are all humans (some of us barely so, as I’ve described), sharing this co-created existence together. It makes no sense to get bent out of shape over someone else’s identity that is bringing absolutely no harm to others. I think gender is beautiful and valid and useful and expressive and expansive. I have also known it to be confining, definitive, discriminatory, and lacking. I am happy people know their gender and are happy with whatever they know themselves as. If the world insists I have a gender, I keep my foot on the ground and decidedly say, “No thank you.”

*one can argue there are MORE genders than people, because many people are multigendered, and each gender is uniquely their own

Getting pronouns right takes practice! And it’s okay for you to take time in building skill. The best you can do when you make a mistake is to say, “Sorry [and then use the correct pronoun in the same sentence],” or say “Thank you [and then use the correct pronoun in the same sentence],” when someone corrects you.

You can practice on your own, with a friend, or even me! I offer peer support sessions on a sliding scale, just click here! And if you’re on an identity-discovery journey yourself, I’d be very happy to support you with the same sessions. Sending you love 💜✨

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Featured image is of a golden infinity symbol with the phrase “Autism Acceptance” written on it, made by Luan Huynh, found on Google.

It’s “Autism Awareness Month” and I have some things to say.

  1. We don’t need awareness, we need acceptance. Try “Autism Acceptance Month” instead. And to that effect, if you accept Autism, then you just need to start accepting anything you might consider “weird.” You can’t tell someone is autistic by looking at them or without interacting enough with them to know who they really are. Leave your judgment and assumptions behind.
  2. Autism is NOT a developmental disability, disorder, condition, or otherwise “illness.” There are MANY co-occurring conditions that can be in the same body as someone who’s autistic, but that does not mean those conditions are Autism. A non-exhaustive list of these conditions: Tourette’s Syndrome, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia, Visual Impairments, Gender Dysphoria, Auditory Processing Issues, Sensory Processing Disorder, Synesthesia, Epilepsy, Hyperlexia, Executive Dysfunction, Bi-Polar, OCD, BPD, Aphasia, Apraxia, Echolalia, Aphantasia, Tinnitus, etc.
  3. Autism IS a neurotype, natural to the range of human diversity. But it is not just a neurotype, it’s literally a whole nervous system. Autistic people, on the whole, receive and process stimuli differently than those who are not autistic. And still, not one autistic person is the same, just as not one neurotypical person is the same.
  4. Autism Speaks and other organizations who advocate for the use of Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) or Positive Behavior Support (PBS)—any organization or institution that preaches about needing a “cure” and supporting research for it too—should NOT be trusted. ABA/PBS is abuse, full stop. There is no cure for autism, full stop. We are not broken, we simply have different support needs. And those support needs do NOT include needing to repress what makes us who we are in order to fit a standard expectation of behavior that harms us.

    Oh, and PLEASE drop the blue and puzzle pieces. These symbols were not chosen by the autistic community, and are associated with pathology. DO use the gold infinity symbol, or embrace red as the new acceptance color.
  5. Phrases like, “You don’t look autistic, I never would’ve known!” or, “Everyone’s a little autistic these days,” or, “I don’t believe you, you’re so good at [insert behavior or task],” are all harmful! All of these phrases invalidate an autistic person’s lived experience and diminishes their issues with living in a neurotypical world.

    Autism doesn’t have a “look” or specific lived experience. Like I said, not one autistic person is the same, and it’s ableist to say Autism has a certain “look.” People who claim Autism has a certain “look” are actually misinformed, or purposefully discriminatory towards those who have external differences.

    It is natural for some traits to be present across all types of individuals—that is any expectation within the diversity of humanity. Shared traits, however, does not make everyone autistic.

    Just because someone can do something well does not mean they are capable of doing something else well. That’s false equivalency, and that kind of assumption is completely unfair. It is frequently the case where autists excel at something we’re passionate about, but when it comes to doing something more mundane, competence is harder to come by. Dismissing our struggles like this is ableist as well. This goes in line with functioning labels. Functioning labels (high or low functioning) are harmful constructs because they deny autists agency and dismiss lived experience. “High functioning” often results in someone suffering greatly behind the scenes (frequently barely functioning), and “low functioning” often pigeon-holes someone into being less than what they’re capable of. Instead, simply talk about support needs, as everyone’s are different.
  6. It’s important to address autistic people as “autistic” and not “people with autism.” We are not “on the spectrum,” or rather we are, but that’s nothing special, because literally every human is “on the spectrum” (the spectrum of human diversity). Autism cannot be separated out from us, as if it were a handbag we carry. And again, it’s not a disease we need to be cured of. Read here for more information on why identity-first language, instead of person-first, is so important.
An image of 4 stick figure drawings. First figure is being stabbed with a rainbow colored knife with the caption, "suffers from Autism." Second figure is standing atop a rainbow segment with the caption, "on the spectrum." Third figure carries a rainbow handbag with caption, "person with Autism." Fourth figure's head is colored in rainbow with captions, "Autistic person."

Autism enriches the world. We are great thinkers and contributors to our communities. We are innovative, creative, intelligent, funny, positive influences, the list can go on. But we don’t need to contribute or be productive in order to be seen as valid and worthy of love and acceptance, of just being who we are (this goes for *anyone*). We don’t need to be conditioned into something we’re not. We don’t need the world to tell us we have “special needs.” We’re not sick or broken.

It’s time we start looking at the environment in which we’re unfit, instead of looking at the individual like autism is the problem. Why do autistics struggle? Because we don’t fit the mold. Why is there a mold to begin with? We’re all PEOPLE, not clay.

Let’s stop pathologizing neurological differences, and start embracing each other for who we are! Let’s focus on meeting support needs without judgment!

Happy Autism Acceptance Month! Thanks for reading!

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Featured image description: A graffiti work of art by Banksy, where “a young girl, windswept and monochrome,[is] reaching for a bright red, heart-shaped balloon” on a whitewashed storefront.

A short post, but I want to commemorate my history for the last 5 years, and the people in it:

Every year, March 15-17 is some of the hardest times I’ve experienced, starting back in 2018. And nothing’s different this year, at least not in hard circumstances and grief.

What IS different, is my ability to cope in healthy ways. What’s different is my belief in myself and my belief that things will continue to get better. I miss my friends that have left this earth too soon. I miss the ladies I used to care for at Star Manor. And now I will miss the certainty that at least my basic bills are paid for if my body fails me (I’m losing my financial support).

But have I ever given up before? No, because I’m still here. I have a job interview today for a company I’m really excited for. And as slow as networking is going, I’m still building my business and finding my DEI niche. AND I am still pursuing my dreams of writing and performing music. I am capable of so many things. It’s been a long, hard 5 years, but every step into 2023 is feeling lighter and lighter. I’m starting to feel like I get to play again, to be full of life and love without harsh consequence. Child-like joy and curiosity fills me every morning, even if I still feel sad here and there. Is this what letting go feels like?

Thanks for reading.

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[Featured image: pictured is a slice of toasted white bread on a white background. Credit to Adobe Stockphotos]

Here’s to never giving up 🥂

Cw: mental and physical health (mentions su*c*de)

I was such a ham as a kid 😂

Pictured above: a tiny Jaesic plays in the Autumn leaves while wearing a bright red coat, they pose in front of carved pumpkins with their brother, they pose in a yellow coat and red hat with a huge grin (and some missing front teeth), and again in the yellow coat with their dog Rocket.

I look at these photos and truly see a happy kid. Well, maybe not in my dedication photo (ain’t that foreshadowing or what 🥲😂). But yes, a happy kid. But as I got older, something changed. You can kind of see it in the solo dancer photo, or me with a toy horse on a stick, at the end of this little gallery. The light started to dim from behind my eyes. Chronic pain, misunderstanding, and conformity really took a toll on me.

I’ve been sick with unexplainable physical symptoms since I was 4 years old, compounded by regular colds and flus. I’ve had mono BADLY twice, the worst of it as a freshman in college. When you are not physically well most days of your life, you are not mentally well either. That shit adds up, and depression/anxiety settles in. And this is only a fraction of what changed.

I was bullied, left out, and abandoned for being different more times than I can remember. Not knowing how I was neurodivergent significantly impacted how I developed self-esteem, efficacy, and relationships. I often invested my time in the wrong people (hell, I’m just learning how to not do that now). And I often failed the good relationships I did have because I didn’t have the tools to properly self-regulate and effectively communicate. I learned to people please and spread myself so thin in order to attempt at measuring up to the rest. The result? Repeat burnout, illness, suicidality, and years of abusive relationships. I’ve been trying to define myself by others’ standards and desires instead of looking inward to my core and shedding anything that isn’t ME.

Pictured above: Jaesic is in a dance troupe wearing a tie-dye blue and gold leotard, below they are in a red dress and tights, and to the right they are in a cowboy get-up with a toy horse on a stick named Oreo (it is black and white with a red bridle).

Well, no more. Finally, I see myself for who I am: a being of overflowing love, joy, and light. I no longer am ashamed of my joy or love and how I express it (or, at least most of the time; I’m getting better). I no longer waste my energy on things and people who do not symbiotically impact my life. I pursue my passions and care so deeply for the world, and I have power to make a difference.

My parents raised a little girl. That little girl grew into a severely repressed, depressed, scared young woman who let life and the people in it take advantage of her. Today I know that little girl is still a part of me, and that young woman helped me find how I am so much more now. I get to love her and carry her through to see just how expansive we can be as a fluid creature who never gave up on learning and loving. I know she is looking at me in awe, and maybe a little fear (lol). But how beautiful it is to be able to coalesce all parts of myself after working hard at healing my trauma, so that I can live a truly purposefully authentic life! I am so lucky. I almost didn’t make it. And now I know my life’s purpose is to support others to find themselves and heal too. We all possess the power to make a difference. Each time we realize that, the world has that much a better chance to become even more compassionate and inclusive for us all.

Thank you for being a part of my journey here 💜✨️🌈

Because my brain won’t let go of paranoia:

If you read things like this that I write and take offense because you considered us good friends growing up, these writings are NOT about you. I speak in generalizations about my life because it is easiest when describing the effect OTHER people had on me. I know I’ve had good relationships amongst the bad. But again, those relationships were few and far between, and it’s taken a lot of inner work to find people who will continuously choose me without taking advantage of me. So, know that you are loved, and I very much value whatever kind of relationship we’ve had over the years 🙌💜

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[Featured image is of a white background with golden letters spelling out Happy New Year, surrounded by gold stars in different sizes.]

Okay, that was a bit inflammatory. And I hate “shoulding” all over the place; it was just for the headline, I promise! If you’re looking to have a “new year, new you” type of thing, I’m definitely not here to tell you not to go for it. But what if I told you you could do it in a way that would almost guarantee your success? Also, Happy New Year! (Ten days late, but hey, at least I made it!)

Themes > Resolutions

About two years ago now, a good friend of mine sent me this video, and it changed my life. Instead of being stressed about picking out resolutions that I knew would ultimately fail me (because I would fail them), I felt completely liberated by the notion of a New Year’s Theme.

In the past, I would set resolutions to eat less junk food, practice my instruments more, or spend less money on things I don’t need. However, especially for my demand-avoidant brain, that was less than motivating. Resolutions just became demands that relied on my own self-deprecation to exist. Naming my goals in such a way created the space for guilt to become the driving force, instead of intrinsic motivation. I’ve learned through enough trial and error that my motivation only really comes from being emotionally invested in things. Yes, I do things out of obligation or guilt at times, but I’m more likely to do things and do them well when I’m strongly emotionally linked to the end result. And to be honest, many of those goals came down to being emotionally invested in my own self-worth, which I didn’t have a lot of at the time.

A Guiding Compass

A New Year Theme acts more like a guiding compass so that all my decisions fall into the binary categories of, “fits theme” and “doesn’t fit theme”, which is super convenient for my indecisive brain as well. Instead of feeling trapped by demands, I am empowered to pursue goals that align to my theme, thus allowing me the emotionally attached intrinsic motivation I need to get shit done.

Last year’s theme was “Expansion” and this year is the “Year of Abundance”. In a simplified recap: I went from living with my ex and mother, to finding my footing with a roommate in our own apartment, to a lot of inner growth, to building my consulting and coaching business. And now, just in the first 10 days of this year, I’ve managed to develop deeper connection in some of the relationships I hold dear, I’ve made new connections for business, I’ve danced so much and been able to DJ music I love, I’ve launched my new coaching website, and I’ve had two interviews published (one was published last month, but I just found out). I am claiming Abundance in everything: love, wealth, health, and fulfillment. And now it’s easier to decide what actions to take because this theme empowers me to seek the best options for my love, health, wealth, and fulfillment. It allows space for me to be critical but also compassionate towards my dreams and the steps I need to take to realize them.

Failing Forward

Not only is it easier to believe in myself and my actions with a theme underpinning it all, but it’s easier to not be so hard on myself when I try things and “fail”. I truly am starting to believe that failure isn’t actually real. We can only learn from our past actions, so when every moment is a learning opportunity, do we every really fail?

To steal from my vocal coach’s toolbox (Arden Kaywin, thank you), “failing forward” is the situation of learning something didn’t work, and using that information to propel you into the next best decision. We’re all capable of this, it’s just a matter of how clearly we see, and believe in, our own efficacy.

You Are Powerful

You are a powerful creative being. If you’ve set your heart on resolutions in the past, just to not fulfill them in the ways you’ve wished to every year, then maybe give a New Year’s Theme a try! To find a theme that resonates with you, think about the goals you wish to achieve over the course of this year. Are most of them health related? Work related? Relationship related? Find the common thread and try to name it. I kept mine fairly broad because I had very specific goals that were hard to put into one category. The word “abundance” kind of just came to me. If you are spiritual, try meditating on what it is your heart desires most this year. You’ve got this!

If you’re queer, neurodivergent, or disabled and are seeking support in realizing your goals to live your most fulfilled life, please don’t hesitate to visit my coaching website and click the Life Coaching tab! It would be my joy to support you!

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I really want to be mad at today. I really do. But I’m learning to radically accept what is, and keep moving forward with love.

To recap:

1) I started my day with a less fruitful (than usual) bonus hour of Lyft, which I woke up early for after falling asleep super late (and I only had restless nightmares during sleep).

2) I then shipped over to my mom’s place to take care of her dog so the poor thing wouldn’t have to be in the crate all day. Except my mom didn’t clear a place at the table like she said she would. I was supposed to work at the house while watching the dog, but I couldn’t because I know from experience you DO NOT MOVE my mother’s things without her being present. The whole table was filled to the brim, just like every countertop in the house 🙃

So I pivot and focus on getting Bella a walk. But I can’t find her normal collar and harness anywhere. I call Mom, and she insists the bag with the things is somewhere around. Can’t find it. I get increasingly flustered and frustrated, all while the damn fire alarm’s dead battery keeps making it chirp at odd intervals.

I try taking the alarm down, but it won’t dislodge from the wall. So there’s noise and mess everywhere, I can’t find the dog’s things, and my body is having a hard time coping with being in the house for a multitude of reasons (yay trauma).

3) BAM meltdown. My body is frozen in the front hall, just standing there, wailing. High pitched wails come out of me that I can’t control, my eyes pouring out tears. It’s like I’m there, rattling inside my meatsuit just behind my eyes, witnessing my body do these things, and I have no attachment to them or ability to step into control. Bella is confused and sits with me and starts “crying” too. Which, thankfully, kind of shocks me into a new awareness and I am able to stop myself from wailing like that. Then she starts sitting closer to me so I can keep my hand on her head/back when she moves around. She didn’t understand, but she was such a sweetheart trying to figure out how to help.

We go for a walk which grounds me a little bit. (With the wrong lead and collar, but I needed to make do.)

4) I finally ship off to my friend’s place to work in his office. I’m taking a course by Kieran Rose (the “Inside Autism Series”), so I can be better educated on the identity I hold. And naturally the first “episode” is all about the history of Autism, which is pretty horrific. I make it about halfway through before I need to drive Lyft again. Feeling the pressure, as I only have until January 6th to catch up on the videos.

4.5) I’m gearing up for a trip to MI over NYE and into January for a few things. I feel the pressure of needing to have things done before I leave, so that’s just exacerbating all of this. And I still need to make rent.

5) I’m finally on time for the bonus hour for once, and get a ride. Instead of him adding a new destination into the app, he has me go to a gas station which adds 10 extra min, as I have a ride waiting in queue. (I’ve learned my lesson, as this has happened a few times now. I don’t care if they tip in cash after, it sucks and I’m done doing it. Especially since it’s a safety risk now that I think about it.)

As I’m going to reposition the app to drive this man to his destination finally, I accidentally swipe “drop off” and lose his trip entirely. It immediately shifts to the next ride, which I had to then cancel. And Lyft says we can go offline for up to 15 min during a bonus streak, but it LIED because when I came back on, I had to start over. The ride after that took me a good 25 min out of the city one way. All this to say, I once again was denied a full opportunity at bonus money. (I need that money because I can only drive so much each day, which is why I structure my schedule around those hours.) Then as I leave the gas station, some other driver decides to use the exit-only lane as an entrance and we almost have a collision.

And the last ride of my day? An older woman started asking me about kids, told me that “they say” (and she knows, because she’s written for John’s Hopkins before🙄) that part of the development of being fully female is when we have children and breastfeed. 🤢🤮 Like it’s somehow my duty, and the only way to be a “woman”. I didn’t bother telling her off, or about who I actually am. Something seemed off with her anyway. But like. WTF? AND she insisted that I tell her my deadname after I explained to her my name now is a recycled version of it.

Y’all I’m exhausted. And I started this post saying that I really want to be mad about all of this, but I can’t. All I can be is tired.

I am learning that we only have so much energy to dedicate to what’s important, and I choose today that what’s important is not being mad at the world for being rude to me (lol). Instead I’m looking at how I’ve managed to have a semi-productive day after a small meltdown (that’s a huge win), and I’m looking at how having older people in power (who are super removed from the world and how it works) is something we need to address as a society. If people want to be in power and serve their communities, they need to actually KNOW who they serve. Obviously this isn’t how things work, because most people in power are there for the power, not for the people. But goddammit can we start doing something about that???

Times are changing. The Future is Queer. We can no longer assume who people are just by looking at them, we can no longer assume that humanity neatly falls into binary categories of gender or neurotype. I’m so over how things are currently. All today’s experience can do is fuel my mission of changing the world, one connection at a time.

I sent that woman away with a smile because I knew I wouldn’t be able to change her way of thinking in a 4 minute drive to her house. I choose compassion over anger.

I choose love for others, even in their misguided knowledge. I choose love for myself, even with all my mistakes and anger. I choose love.

Life and everything in it represents–past the metaphorical–infinite possibilities. As humans, we get to BE those possibilities. If we are infinite possibilities, and we are, through what we focus our attention on, then I choose to shift my attention and seek the paths guided by curiosity, courage, and compassion.

That was a lot. Thanks for reading 💜🤘🌈

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Featured image is of human figures in gray-scale marching together and holding various queer flags.

Here is a compassionately direct message about grief and how to support those in your life who are transitioning their gender:

Exploring gender can be a lifelong endeavor. A family member or friend (or coworker, student, etc.) finding their gender, while a positive change, is still an external change that everyone around them has to internalize, accept, and then celebrate. In other words, while gender transitioning for an individual is a realignment to their truest self, the people who love and respect this individual must transition their understanding of who this person is in order to love and respect them best. We can experience grief within this change because “change, even if we see it as positive, disrupts the connections that exist” [Forbes]. There is an end attached to every new beginning. It is natural to feel grief when things end or shift, because that disruption can often feel like some kind of loss. However, it’s how we deal with these feelings that matters.  

The best thing we can do for grief is to acknowledge its existence—quite literally name it—and sit with it. We need to actually look at our grief to process it, and that may take time. As we take inventory of change, there are transitions within, the “in betweens”. According to the Bridges Transition Model by William Bridges, we have an “ending zone”, “neutral zone”, and “new beginning zone” as we process transitions. This model was originally used for change in the workplace, but here we’re applying it to gender transitioning. What do we need to let go of as allies to get to the neutral zone? What can we look for in new beginnings to bring us out of the neutral zone? How can we celebrate the new beginnings to move forward into them?  

Before diving in any further, I want to be very clear about something: this transitional process is yours to manage without relying on the emotional labor of your trans* loved one. Your trans* loved one has had enough on their plate going through this process themselves, and if you place your grief on them while they are entrusting you with their true identity, they will be burdened with the notion that you might not actually be trustworthy. Yes these things take time, but while you are processing, it’s important to express full support on their behalf. Your trans* loved one is still the person you’ve known and loved for however long they’ve been in your life, only now they know themselves better which means you have the privilege of getting to know them even better too. And if you don’t understand yet, or fear your never will, remember that you don’t have to understand to be respectful.

It’s important to understand this: You’re not losing anyone, you’re actually just gaining more of the same person. The person that you’ve known, who is now realigning to their truest self, is not going through a living death. The person they were before coming out was just a mask they finally figured out how to take off. It’s also important to remember that it doesn’t make you a bad person if it takes time to understand how you’re gaining more of the same person. 

One caveat: many trans* people will refer to their birth name as their “deadname” and do see themselves as separate from who they were before coming out. If this is how they view their transition, whether it’s strictly social or a social and medical transition, it’s important to not prescribe and project your own understanding of their experience onto them. Always default to how they process their transition. If they don’t want to be related to their past self at all, then you need to not relate them to their past self at all.

The Ending Zone: Acknowledge

While it’s important to understand you’re not actually losing anything but gaining everything, it might help to cope with your loved one’s transition by stating what you think you are losing. Again, the first step to processing grief is to name it. So, what are you grieving, i.e. what do you think you are losing as your loved one realigns to their truest self? You will need to let go of the prescriptive image of who you thought your trans* loved one was. And if some of your grief is attached to gendered actions, like getting your nails done together, it could be a fun opportunity to ask your trans* loved one what gendered activities they might still be comfortable with, or explore together what activities you could do together instead. 

(I would like to add that I use “gendered actions” in context of how our society demands things be gendered, not that they actually ARE gendered. Anyone can get their nails done, anyone can throw a football, etc.)

As a parent: if your child decides to change their name, you will need to adopt the understanding that the name you gave them at birth was a gift that no longer serves them. If this is a struggle for you and your child hasn’t already chosen a name, it’s okay to ask them if you can be a part of the decision process for the new one, but be prepared to be told no. Listen more than you speak if they say yes. And do NOT make this process difficult for your child by guilting them into allowing you to be a part of the process, or guilting them by explaining how special their birth name is to you. Confide in a friend or therapist instead.

As a parent you may also be grieving the loss of the future you saw your child having. While this is understandable, and you may fear the hardship your child will face as a trans* person because our world is less than kind to the LGBTQIA+ community, it’s important to recognize that whatever future your child has, they will a) have you as a supportive parent and b) be living a life that is more aligned to them, which will elicit strength and more possibility for happiness.

The Neutral Zone: Internalize

“This is the time between the old reality and sense of identity and the new one” [wmbridges]. This is where you adopt new understanding of who they are and who you are in relation to them. How might your role in their life change as they realign? It may be that your role doesn’t change at all, except for needing to be extra supportive of your trans* loved one. This may require you to stick up for them in public spaces, or even amongst other family members and friends (be sure to ask them how they would like those circumstances to be dealt with first). It will also probably require language shifts as your trans* loved one chooses new pronouns and name (I say probably because not all trans* people want new pronouns or names). 

Understand that while you may have had to let go of the future you saw your loved one having, it’s important to recognize a new future is on the horizon for them—one that is better suited to them because they know themselves better now.

The New Beginning Zone: Accept and Celebrate

“Beginnings are marked by a release of energy in a new direction – they are an expression of a fresh identity” [wmbridges]. Not only does your trans* loved one get to explore their new identity, but so do you! You get to relearn with them who they are, and you get to relearn who you are in relation to them—a loving ally.   

The most important thing you can do to support your trans* loved one is to get yourself to a place of excitement in learning who they are becoming, instead of focusing on the “negative” of who you think you’re losing.  

Key tips during this transition:

  • If you mess up pronouns or their name, simply say “sorry” (truly, just ONE word, or say thank you), and repeat what you were saying with the corrected pronoun or name 
  • ASK your trans* loved one how they would like to be referred to in specific settings
  • ASK your trans* loved one what you can do better so that they feel supported 100% 
  • DO NOT burden your trans* loved one with stories or explanations of your grief. Keep your grief to yourself and other loved ones whom you trust and/or seek out therapeutic support, or support from a trans* peer support specialist (like me!)

One final note: It may help your transition through grief to acceptance, to compassionately ask to speak with your trans* loved one about their transition through grief to acceptance. It’s very common for trans* people to have our own grieving process as we come to learn who we are. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried over my childhood, or over a future that no longer exists. Granted, I’m much happier now and am so excited for my future, but that took time to come around to. A big part of me went through those common stages of grief, where I denied myself of my actual identity out of fear (imposter syndrome), where I got angry about mistreatment in my past or loss of future dreams, where I’ve bargained with the past and felt depressed over it all. Finally I’m at acceptance and celebration, but I experienced all of those stages of grief, and not in a linear fashion. This took time. A LOT of time. The first full year and a half after coming out, actually. And even though I’m well into my third year of being out, I sometimes still experience the anger or depression stage. Just as gender can be a lifelong journey, so can processing and living with grief. But I promise, the future is brighter when we know ourselves better, and an informed support system can make all the difference. So from the bottom of my trans* little heart, thank you for caring. Thank you for taking the time to learn how to best support the trans* people in your life.

If you are an ally looking to be the best ally you can be, and you would like support, I offer peer support sessions on a sliding scale. Please click here to schedule with me! And if you’re someone exploring identity and would appreciate a safer container to do so in, I’m always here for you in those same sessions as well!

If you are a business looking to better serve your trans* employees and the queer community at large, I am available for consultation as well. Please click here to pick a package and schedule an appointment! Keep in mind: I can do one consultation, or you can hire me as a coach for your workplace to transition your environment into a more inclusive space.

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cw: hysterectomy/menstruation, gender dysphoria

“Just click this and we’ll have him on his way,” one of the polling station clerks says to the other. My heart flutters with a small burst of euphoria. Then she looks at me, “Oh, sorry, her way.”

“That’s okay, I prefer ‘his’ anyway,” I reply with a hopeful timbre.

Guess what didn’t happen for the rest of that conversation? That’s right, she used ‘she’ the whole time after. 

It’s some kind of poetically cruel irony to have half the country voting for or against Roe v Wade principles on the same day I was supposed to have my hysterectomy, on top of getting misgendered at the polls, while menstruating.

I don’t expect strangers to know right off the bat, but I literally told her that I prefer ‘he’ to ‘she’ and it just didn’t matter (simplified, I actually prefer ‘they’ and no longer like ‘he’ anymore, but it’s better than ‘she’). And the procedure was denied by insurance due to lack of “medically necessary” evidence. I couldn’t get a letter of gender dysphoria into the system fast enough so my surgeon’s office could appeal, and now I’m doomed to endure another however many months of pain and discomfort in my body until I can get it done.

I’ve lived my entire post-puberty life in debilitating pain, and I’ve ALWAYS not felt right in the body I have. I just didn’t have language for it until I came out as nonbinary at the age of 25. I’ve been through birth control after birth control, ultrasound after ultrasound. I’m always picture perfect on paper, but my lived experience has been hell. Can anyone say endometriosis?! I don’t see how the medical director of my Medicaid insurance company could look at my medical history (of constantly being in and out of office for issues) and determine I’m not a fit candidate for surgery. I don’t understand how the “peer-to-peer” meeting my surgeon had with the medical director didn’t produce positive results; did my surgeon not fight for me?

And now I have the very scary possible reality where I could live in a world where my body is not my own. In fact, much of the U.S. government is already claiming AFAB bodies as its property. I don’t want to keep trying new birth control (side effects are scary) when societal collapse is bound to happen in my lifetime (I won’t have access to it past a certain point). I want a simplistic, permanent way to take away all the pain, risk of pregnancy, and added dysphoria so that I can continue to make something of my life before shit really hits the fan.

I am constantly forced to reckon with how we live in a dystopia. It’s fucking exhausting, and I’m one of the luckier ones.

I wish I could say my mental health is staying strong but it’s not. The last several months have been so stressful living in this “limbo” space of “will it happen or not”. I’ve been officially cracking under pressure for a whole week (when I was told the surgery needed to be postponed), and now that today is finally here, I’ve got nothing left in me to give. I’m hurting badly. And I honestly don’t see it stopping anytime soon.

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I had a kind of sad realization today:

My mom recently told me that she didn’t have as many birthday parties for me growing up because she was afraid kids wouldn’t show up or that they would just be mean. I had more with family, but I think I remember maybe 3 with friends throughout my whole childhood.

I always saw this as a failing to be loved (privileged, I know), but now I see that she was just trying to protect me. I didn’t have many consistent friends growing up, and the ones that were closest to me often turned into bullies or would abandon me. The first birthday party I remember, there were a lot of disinterested little ones hanging about. The second one, my next door neighbor ended up taking people over to her place which disrupted the party and made me feel like shit. The only one I really loved was the one for my 16th or 17th birthday, where I knew the people there all cared for me to some extent and it was a great time.

Before and a little into high school, I was the secretly liked kid…the one people were happy to have around without others knowing. Often as soon as it was known a relationship was present, that relationship would break for one reason or another. And the reason was usually because I wasn’t cool enough to be kept around. I mean, the kids who lived near me dubbed me as the fucking neighborhood mosquito for christ’s sake. They kept me around mostly but definitely didn’t want me there.

This isn’t to say I didn’t have a group here or there, but people drift apart, and a lot of times I was only involved as an afterthought in those groups. Or at least that’s what it felt like a lot of the time. I frequently floated from one social circle to the next, watching from the outside in while gaining personality traits (masking) that didn’t actually align to my core identity because I wanted to fit in.

I think the mix of having so many extracurriculars (always busy), overprotective parents (couldn’t go anywhere), living in a hoarder’s house (couldn’t have people over), and my neurodivergence (didn’t have healthy boundaries and couldn’t communicate properly) prevented me from making lasting relationships, as well as a secure identity, before age 25. I was spread all over the place and mostly had to endure all of it alone.

Sometimes I go to write things like this and never post it because I get insecure about how this is a lot of the human experience and mine is no different or special or worthy of others’ attention. I’m also worried I’m going to offend people who considered themselves my friend, and please, if you’re reading this and you were my friend, I’m not talking about you in these posts. I know I’ve had a few good people along the way.

Then I remember that I have a blog so I can share my experience and relate to others regardless of how regular these experiences may be for people who don’t share the same identities as me. “That’s not an autistic thing, everybody goes through that.” Sure. But at what frequency? To what detriment? This shit has affected me all my life and I’m just now able to look back on it with a new lens for better understanding, acceptance, and healing. If you’re thinking the quotation above after reading this, maybe also consider how you might not be as neurotypical as you think you are, especially if this has affected you all your life. And if that’s the case, I’m here to support you explore what that can mean for you 💜🌈

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Hello hello! It’s been quite some time, my apologies. Between life being what it is, my demand-avoidance, and insecurity, keeping things active on this site is a challenge. Thanks for still being here!

To combat most of those things, I’ve decided that moving forward, no post is too small to post! (Have I said this before? Probably 😬) So here’s a little one I made earlier on my Facebook page about, well, paralysis from not wanting to do things incorrectly.

I was just talking with a friend about the autistic experience and we both connected over the Can’t Do It Wrong phenomenon:

1. I am often paralyzed when it comes to completing a task—not because I can’t do it, but because I don’t want to do it wrong. So then:

2. I end up asking a ton of questions to clarify what the “right way” is to complete such task which leads to:

3. the people directing me either get annoyed or think I’m incompetent and trust me less.

4. Sometimes I don’t ask because I’m scared of being misjudged or misunderstood so I complete the task in a way I think is most efficient (and usually is most efficient, even compared to the directing person’s method), and I get scolded, or told/treated like I’m a know-it-all, or:

5. I just straight up do it wrong, or don’t do it at all, and still am seen as incompetent and end up being trusted less.

Sometimes I truly don’t understand a task, even if it’s obvious what the steps are. But if people take the time to explain to me what it is I’m supposed to have as an end result with the possible method to get there, in terms I understand, I’m a VERY quick learner, and often excel at the task at hand—often to the point of innovating new processes for that specific task, deepening understanding of it for more than just myself, or expanding the project past its original scope.

6. When asking questions I also have to be SUPER careful how I ask, because often even my questions can be seen as “dumb” because I’m asking about the already obvious steps at times, or I’m perceived as rude or antagonistic/challenging authority due to my phrasing.

I’m not saying this isn’t a normal human experience that probably most people go through at some point in their lives. What I AM saying is that it happens to me at a higher frequency (like neurotic levels), and it can often affect me physiologically to the point of making me feel sick. I also think this part of me plays into my indecisive behavior as well, as I often am paralyzed with indecision and it produces the same physiological response.

THE GAME NEVER ENDS. IT’S EXHAUSTING. GAAAHHH

Do you relate?